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Follow the signs

February 26, 2010

Two days ago, on February 23rd, 2010, I resigned from my position as editor of a website. Where doesn’t matter… What does matter is that I gave three months notice without having anything lined up, no unemployment, no severance, nothing… Most people would deem me crazy. Perhaps… I’m one of those crazy people that actually believes you can in fact live your dream. You can do everything your heart desires and pay the bills and be happy and all that jazz… Yes, you can… Will it be difficult? Yes. Life is difficult and it doesn’t stop happening because you are on the road to your personal legend. In fact, it often comes at you faster, harder because of it… You will be tested to see if you’re worthy… if you’re ready… if you can…

So I’m taking the leap and I’m starting this new blog to chronicle the journey of me… at 34… a single mom… with one book under her belt… facilitator and vice president of the NYC Latina Writers Group… a teacher with a knack for connecting with students… emcee, organizer and host of a monthly themed poetry show… a second novel to rework… a memoir to complete… a one woman show to write… me, Vanessa Abigail Martir, taking the reins and saying, “Fuck it! Imma do it… & Imma do it NOW!”

I’m terrified. I won’t lie about that. I’m scared about so many things… too many to list… shit, will I be able to pay the bills? What about Vasia (my five year old daughter)? Feeding her… clothing her… How will I fill the fridge? How will I live? What if I fail? What if I succeed? … So many what ifs… but I won’t let fear stop me. See, fear is a natural emotion, it’s how you deal with it that matters… You either let it paralyze you or catalyze you. I’m staring at the big hairy boogey man in the eye and doing this anyway! Because I know despite all logic and reason… despite the what ifs… the worries and trepidations… I am meant to do this… I have to… It is my time. And I’m following the signs…

I read my horoscope everyday. (I’m a Sag. Can’t you tell? More on that in a later post) Do I always believe it? No… but that’s besides the point. Today I didn’t read it, for whatever reason… so I checked it a little while ago and what it said floored me… I had to post it as my facebook status:

“One person is locked in a cell. They cannot go anywhere or do anything. This person, though, has great imagination and an open mind. They are willing to learn and prepared to believe that anything is possible in the fullness of time. Another person can, within reason, do what they want, when they want. Their movements are not restricted nor are their resources too tightly limited. This person is full of opinion and prejudice. They only believe in what they can actually see. Which one is the prisoner?”

Person A is free despite being in that cell. Why? How? Because though she is encaged, her mind and spirit are free… She has imagination and she believes in the possibilities… and perhaps more importantly, she is willing to learn. You can be physically free, like Person B, and still be entombed by closemindedness and inability to believe that magic and creation can happen no matter where or what… Shit, I can’t see my muse but I know she’s there… In fact, I just read Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED speech and she discussed just that: an invisible force that goads us, inspires us artists to create… more on that in a later post as well…

For now, I will leave you (whomever you are) with this: A writer friend, Noemi, left this on my FB profile and this poets words have resonated with me… “Take it from a girl who’s half angel: “What the fuck are you waiting for?” See the rest of the performance here… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gePQuE-7s8c (Please do check it out. I promise you will not be disappointed… & may just be, dare I say, inspired…)

Hasta la proxima,

V

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